So, just for a joke, I’ve been trying to live like an adult lately. Since my lack of experience has so far prevented me from getting work in an adult industry I decided I’d do the next best thing—I’d just pursue an internship and get fucked for free. Yep, I resorted to the kind of thing I should’ve done when I was in college, when instead of being responsible, I was partying all the time in a coma of depression, struggling to force myself to eat and shower once a week. College was the best. College was almost as good as high school.

The past few months of searching for jobs has been a beatdown. It’s been hard to keep hope while I continually receive either no response, or better—rejection—from jobs I don’t even really want. I apply for these jobs so I can live in a society that I don’t want to live in…makes perfect sense, right?? An internship was a chance to get some structure, learn some new skills and be a part of something productive. I laughed at the idea of working for free, thinking it was almost a step backward, but then thought it would be kind of a cool venue to meet some young professionals and try a new job without feeling some of the anxiety and pressure.

I found an opportunity for a web design internship with a small agency about half an hour away. Seemed like an ideal position for me because web design can be a skill that allows you to work for yourself from anywhere, and I already had some experience. I sent an e-mail and quickly received one back asking if I could interview the next day. Ecstatic, I said yes, feeling like this could be a step toward my life coming together. The interview went well and I was hired to work for free on the spot. I said I could work a regular 40-hour week because I wanted to learn as much possible. The next day I started pseudo-adulthood.

Collared shirt, commute, four hours of work, one-hour lunch, four hours of work, another half hour of work to stuff up and wait for traffic, commute home. Cool, right?!

I met some friendly people the first week but didn’t learn anything, mostly working autonomously, doing tasks that were beneath my current abilities (changing formatting of text on websites, posting blogs, etc.). I heard myself say, “it’s the first week, Brian, give it some more time.” Second week, similar. I could see where this was going so I voiced my concern to a couple of people and made a bigger effort to seek people out. For the most part the employees were so far behind that there wasn’t a lot they could do to help me without disrupting their own workflow. I understood that; I knew I wasn’t a priority to them, but I needed to remember to be a priority to myself. Had I needed this internship for college or to make connections I wouldn’t have cared as much, but the only reason I sought out an internship was for personal enrichment. Essentially, I was wasting over 10 hours a day, money on gas and most of the energy I had.

Another week went by before I decided I was going to start leaving earlier in order to exempt myself from afternoon traffic. Typically I like sitting in traffic and wasting gas (I hate the environment), watching other people perform ridiculous maneuvers with their vehicles, and so on, but…after a nice long day of uploading pictures of rotting teeth to dental websites and posting blogs about vibrators and cock rings, I couldn’t really stand to get any more enjoyment out of life.

Eventually I felt the time and calories I was spending at the agency was becoming beyond counterproductive. There was nothing there for me. I wasn’t learning skills to take with me and I wasn’t going to sit around working there for a few more months before being offered a position I didn’t want. I talked to the owners and told them how I felt, thought about it one more day, came back and told them that day was going to be my last. No, I don’t care that you won’t give me reference. Thanks for saying I’m good at it and people like me but I still feel like I’m being crushed. No, I won’t stay til the end of the day, I already finished all my tasks. Unfortunately, I may have burned a bridge or two from my abrupt departure.

I think I’ve made my experience sound too positive. What’s odd is that though I liked virtually all of the people I worked with and the environment was absolutely the most laid-back I’d ever worked in, my immediate interpretation was mostly frustration. Obviously this has more to do with me than the company. This is why the internship was a success.

Knowing my situation was more than adequate yet I was existentially miserable once again has given me the motivation to buy a one-way ticket. Maybe I am always searching for a reason to leave, to not commit. Not sure, but I know I’ve now experienced a more professional situation and decided it’s not my place for now.

Further…I’ve decided Texas is also not my place for now. Neither is America.

So, I bought a one-way ticket for Amsterdam. I hope to share more adventures with you all from there. I also hope to find some sort of photo or writing work, so if you know anybody, let me know!