So did you guys hear about that time I bought a last-minute plane ticket to travel across the world, feeling desperate and hopeless?

Yeah…it’s happened a few times already this year. Here’s the most recent story about changing climates, an old winter/summer switcheroo. Some family friends who have a condo off the Gulf Coast of Florida heard I was having a hard time with the weather and very kindly offered the use of their unoccupied condo to me. This opportunity proved too hard to turn down—the gray, dreary February skies of Germany in exchange for sunshine, short sleeves and palm trees in Florida. Sounds like an even trade. Here’s the story of my trip from Berlin to Miami. Maybe I will also start tweeting my entire existence soon, who’s interested?!

Act I: Journey to Berlin-Tegel International Airport (Hat Trick Metro Failure)

04:30 – Wake up. Groggy and confused. It cannot possibly be time to get up already.
04:45 – Ate yogurt and muesli, my final European breakfast. Chatted with Mark and handed my honorary German citizenship back to Angela Merkel (awarded for my blonde hair, blue eyes and daily consumption of muesli), who I accidentally slept with last night after consuming too much dark chocolate infused with orange and thinking I was Jesus Christ and that I needed to “forgive” Germany for allowing the existence of privatized restrooms in public places.

05:00 – Hurriedly walked to Görlitzer Bahnhof metro station in order to watch the train I needed to catch take off as I walked up the stairs. Waited 10 minutes while coughing violently to pass the time. Must remember to walk even faster than fast next time.
05:15 – Took stairs at down to Kotbusser Tor station, glanced at time, absolutely shocked that I just missed this subway. Laughed a bit and tried not to be cold. At least this stop is underground and I can live out fantasy of being an ant, thriving in a social community that works for the good of the species.
05:30 – Walked faster than fast from subway exit at Alexanderplatz toward bus that goes to airport. Smiled as I saw bus drive leave before I finished crossing street. I looked at the schedules for all of these methods of transport last night and even bought my ticket beforehand so all I had to do in the morning was validate it. Enjoyed standing in sub-zero temperature and watching tiny snowflakes gracefully float from the sky, briefly spotlighted by a sputtering streetlight. Tried to look natural (not socially uncomfortable) until next bus arrived.
05:45 – Successfully entered bus to Tegel Airport. Relaxed, imagined in less than 24 hours I’ll be on an island off the Gulf Coast of Florida, hanging out with what will most likely be the only woman I’ll ever love unconditionally, my mom!!

Act II: Mandatory Airport Interactions

06:00 – Head swaying sleepily, reminisced about childhood bus rides and feelings of contentment, days I just lived without trying to figure out what to do with my life. Died internally at least one thousand times.
06:15 – Exited bus at airport, stepped inside, realizing I was no longer wearing my favorite hat that has traveled across the world as my companion and head-shelter. Stopped believing in a god I already didn’t believe in. Paused and took second-favorite hat out of bag, placed on head.
06:30 – Terminal C, Air Berlin. check one bag…no problem. Woman asks to weigh my hand luggage. I use a dictionary to discover hand luggage means carry-on item in English. Bag weighs 11.1 kilograms using the Metrix System, an arbitrary measurement system used by the non-civilized world. Bag must weigh eight kilograms or less.
06:45 – Laugh to myself and try to guesstimate what the hell a kilogram feels like. Continue trying to find 3.1 kilograms to move from backpack to already overfilled checked bag. Move over $1500 worth of photo equipment I can’t replace into an already bulging suitcase, hoping it survives the handling practices of this semi-low cost carrier Air Berlin.
06:47 – Watch the kind Air Berlin woman put tag on hand luggage while not making eye contact with me. Scale the bag was on said 9.8 kilograms. Chuckled at my own ineptitude with Metrix System. Thanked woman with a true, genuine, faithful, shimmering and honest smile. Walked away.

07:00 – No seating and it wasn’t yet time to go through security. Encouraged by numerous shops around to sit down and purchase food items or drinks in exchange for seating. Counted remaining Euros and went to Starbucks, an American coffee shop chain.
07:05 – Ordered jasmine-orange tea, accepting barista’s offering of honey. Handed him 4.5€ because I still get confused between 1€ and 2€ coins. He handed superfluous 2€ coin back to me without making me feel foolish. Thanks Sacha.
07:15 – Informed that there is no free WIFI. Speculated that if the plane crashed this entry would never be published…this brilliant masterpiece never being read by the population of an adoring universe, a universe I one day might refer to as “home.”
07:30 – Listened as two American women somehow sound more culturally ignorant than myself. Felt less bad about myself, as if I had lost one kilogram of self-hatred.
07:45 – To find restroom, called WC here, short for Wasted Coins, because you have to pay. Refuse to accept this as I believe a place to urinate or defecate is a basic human right. I had heard there was a free bathroom so I decided to walk around and find it. Found it…it looked exactly like a European Union flag.
07:47 – Uninterested in supporting more local international businesses/paying for seating space, decided to stay in free bathroom. Put toilet paper over seat and hang out in the bathroom.

08:00 – Alarm on phone went off, headed to Gate B21. while waiting in a line, a man dropped an apple which rolled directly between my legs. I smiled, picked it up and handed it to him. He thanked me in some sort of Germanic language, possibly German.
08:15 – Passport control officer told a joke and everybody started laughing. I didn’t understand but smiled anyway. Smiling sometimes helps avoid cultural problems. When my turn, he asked me to remove my hat. I obliged in return for one German exit stamp in my passport.
08:20 – Walked through metal detector. Security guard was scanning everybody with beeping ping pong paddle. Intense body scan resulted in gentleman running fingers around waistband of my pants, on the interior side…. He also scanned key pocket of my jeans, where my chapstick bomb was located. Oh shit…. Removed chapstick from pocket and showed guard. Guard looked doubtful and scanned lip balm point blank with ping pong paddle, asking me what it was. I told him chapstick, to which he motioned for me to take the cap off. Took cap off and bluffed that I was going to put on lips. Rolled chapstick up and down to demonstrate I had more lip balm in case lips get severely chapped. Guard finally lost his quizzical look and said, “Ahh…” Proceeded to next stage of adventure.
08:25 – While retrieving items from metal detector bins man with British accent told me I had a camera and iPad in my bag. I wasn’t shocked—I already knew this because I had put them there. Removed items from pack and he took them back to scan separately. Guard satisfied with scan, almost. He pointed to two pieces of bread I bought (to eat) for the plane ride. “These are…?” I could tell he meant his open-ended pseudo-statement to be completed by me. “Bread.” “And these are…?” pointing to two oranges (for eating…). “Oranges.” He seemed satisfied with our cooperative performance demonstrating our ability to identify simple objects but he wasn’t quite finished with the game.
08:30 – Next the inquisitive guard held my camera up and asked if I could turn it on. “I must look through it.” He then asked, “if I wanted to take a picture, how would I do so?” Then, in the the same manner he questioned about using the flash, he asked then if we could take a picture. I pushed the shutter release and the flash went off. “Nice picture,” he said, though the camera was pointing at the ground. Interaction terminated with him telling me to “have a good evening” though it was clearly still morning.
08:45 – Sat down and ate what I’m pretty sure was an orange.

Act III: Ending

09:00 – Sitting on plane next to retired German woman. Turned down the hard candy she offered me.
09:15 – Continued chatting with Helga or whatever her name was. Laughed internally when she asked if I knew where the earsticks were. I think she meant headphones so I said something and then shrugged but the shrug was actually unnecessary.
09:30 – Fell asleep until I woke up. Cute stewardess who wore same perfume as my first grade teacher asked what I wanted to drink. Intoxicated, said I would like some apple juice please. Fantasized about one day being in love with a flight attendant and not having it turn out badly.
09:45 – Took 10mg of expired Ambien and fell asleep.

15:00 – Woke up and wrote a short poem about the stewardess and her exhilarating perfume. Fell back asleep.

14:00 (time zone adjusted) – Somehow woke up in Cuba—uh—I mean Miami International Airport.
14:15 – Welcomed home by friendly customs officer, very bittersweet. I didn’t bother telling her I’m actually homeless in every sense of the word and that I fabricated a US passport from toilet paper and crayons.
14:30 – Picked up bag, took off my sweatshirt, stepped outside and stared at a palm tree. Exhale…inhale. Twilight zone summer, let’s call it Florida. Adios winter.

And that’s how I escaped Seasonal Affective Disorder, crossed through the Department of Homeland Security’s Customs and Border Protection and walked straight back into a comfy existential depression. If only I had some real problems…