Rotterdam, The Netherlands – 2012/2013
Hanging out in the second-largest port city in the world. Industrial, bleak and sadly not a prime target for terrorist attacks, I’m not going to lie and say this is a place I’d ever go back to (unless you pay me). So…Rotterdam Tourism Board, if you’re looking to hire a real spin doctor, keep me in mind.
-
- A giant Santa holds an oversized ice-cream cone, ready to share it with a naughty little girl. I mean…Santa is holding a genetically-modified pacifier specifically designed for the fattest well-behaved kid in the universe. I mean…it’s a goth kid’s melting wax Christmas tree because the Christmas spirit infects even the darkest of goths. Oh wait…it’s just a harmless ole butt plug.
-
- Welcome to somewhere I should’ve known I wouldn’t want to be…anywhere with snow. I’m currently looking into the idea of skydiving directly over the building with the sharp point.
-
- Smirre the Explorer cat searches for Brian. Brian is attempting to spin himself in a cocoon, rearrange his internal organs and then emerge as an entirely new being who will shortly thereafter be diagnosed with a crippling mental illness.
-
- This is me and my wife, accompanied by our child with healthy genes. We’re sitting in a pleasant coffee shop discussing how satisfied we are with life.
-
- A cup of coffee a day…makes the doctor go…makes the…makes…makes you more awake and able to consider how fucking depressed you are.
-
- It doesn’t matter what it looks like these two are doing–I’ll vouch for them–they are not making out on the subway. Making out underground is something only worms do.
-
- Happy Holly Days you dumb motherfuckers.
-
- STOPPPP! Don’t ever go to Rotterdam. I warned you…I went there and all I got was this bad linear haircut and a gigantic permanently outstretched black hand!!
-
- My gracious Dutch host Ditte uses a reverse camera to project a serene landscape of calming light and icy water onto the blank wall of opportunity that constantly stares me in the face. As we speak I continue furiously searching for a way to capitalize on my ample resources.
-
- Excuse me, my owner forgot to pick up my feces. You see, I’m unable as I have no thumbs. I will sit here forever embarrassed, cast as a reminder of the irresponsibility, disrespect and laziness of my human owners. Thanks for stopping by.
-
- Superkerstwinkel at Santa’s Outlet Store…can’t wait to go see that hottie with the genuine expression of surprise on her face…she’s going to be a real catch.
-
- A woman scoops ice into a dirty rag after banging it against the counter in order to prepare the ice for the iced coffee I ordered. Her moderately cute apprentice watches and ponders if there could ever be a more effective way of accomplishing this task.
-
- I went out looking for some Brazilian pizza, maybe even some Australian pizza but unfortunately, this is the closest thing to authentic pizza that I could find…
