It’s possible that one of the only times I’ve felt in control of my life recently is when writing resignation letters.
So, I guess it’s time for another one. It’s time for something to help shock me out of the horrible shell-existence I’ve gotten myself into in the past months. I haven’t felt like Brian, more like a creature that sleeps too much, forces itself to eat and do other tasks and then longs to sleep and escape what seems like a perpetual panic attack.
I’m generally a happy guy (just not at this very moment…, sort of lol). I like bugs and jokes and playing outside, making music, going new places, eating different foods and talking to people, taking photos. To have not felt like that recently feels like a sick sense of regression. It’s taken years of mental, emotional, and physical work to have built that presence of myself. This cruel winter cannot take it away from me forever.
There’s a girl here at work wearing the same sweater as a girl I was once in love with. The girl I was in love with was wearing it on the day that I knew I had royally fucked myself by having human feelings. On that day I was taking pictures of her, wondering why I was so drawn to walking straight into the same knife over and over again as it ripped through my chest when I snapped the shutter.
I wish it was as easy to write a resignation letter to caring about the past, to dreams and ideas, as it is to write to these meaningless jobs.
“Don’t be like the dead coyote, Brian.” That’s my new motto. It’s trademarked, so don’t you dare try to use it to help yourself out of your own personal hell.
I renewed my passport, expedited shipping. Probably gonna go on a trip with some family members who truly care but have no idea how to help. My mother worries about me; to her I seem like a flickering lightbulb, erratic and potentially not coming back on at any moment.
Anyway, so many problems are about control, perceived lack of control. And hopefully the funny thing is maybe I just have to keep quitting these jobs I never really wanted and drive myself into the ground finding whatever it is that suits me. I’ve felt like I have no control, felt stuck; it was to the point where I saw nothing, didn’t even see I had options to quit. I can’t be here if it’s only a trapped existence to me. Time to make a bigger change.
Here’s a picture of a coyote I found at the park. I saw it after it had died freshly and day-by-day watched as it shriveled and cowered into itself. I hope the picture really ties together this whole post for you guys.