Recently I’ve written a number of blog entries that I haven’t posted…mostly because they’ve been too honest and depressing, even by my standards. I wrote one before I went to Peru that was sort of a plea to myself which quickly degenerated into some suicidal rambling and was ultimately so sad that I couldn’t read it without starting to cry in the coffee shop I was writing it in, so I had to stop.

From meditation articles, self-help books, advice from therapists and friends, I’ve realized a lot of stuff lately. My struggle is that I feel like I have no future. I get stuck too much in the past, comparing past to present, using the past to try and predict a future–but life doesn’t really work like that. Objectively I know this.

The fact that things haven’t gone how I’ve wanted despite putting in a lot of effort doesn’t mean that this will always be the case. Relationships disintegrate, jobs don’t pan out, opportunities don’t materialize. This is all cyclical. Other relationships come along, as do jobs and different opportunities.

I’ve put too much pressure on myself and even if things had turned out differently in all these realms, it still would’ve seemed like a failure because of the pressure I have been putting on myself.

Friends and others tell me to stop running from whatever it is I’m running from. I think more the case is that everybody interprets life so differently from each other, and that my interpretation is not mainstream enough to fit under the typical popular psychology tidbits.

I’m not running from anything. I’m trying to run toward something. I’m trying to never settle. Maybe this is too much a trait of perfectionism that will leave a perpetual void no matter my path. I don’t know. Once again, unresolved…