I now realize that the vitamin I just took was intended to be dissolved in liquid prior to consumption. I was wondering why 1) it tasted so awful when vitamins are generally innocuous; 2) my mouth started foaming as I chewed it. Hopefully this disgusting vitamin coupled with the week of rest I have had can bring me back to health so I don’t close this year out being physically and mentally ill.

Yes, amazingly, 2012 is coming to a close already though it seems like it just began, bright and full of potential. I have accomplished a lot this year personally and I think putting some milestones down will help distill any sense in my mind that this year was an absolute disaster.

Though each item contains its own subset of comedies I am going to be brief for now:

• enjoyed working at Starbucks with my friends and family
• quit Starbucks in order to put myself in a new environment to promote growth
• started anotherbackpack to document travels and showcase photos and writing
• bought a one-way ticket to Bangkok with the hope of not returning
• traveled around Thailand and Malaysia, met lots of new friends, saw lots of cool bugs, got food poisoning only once
• stopped enjoying myself due to a variety of external—but mostly internal—factors, came home
• desperately attempted to get some sort of professional job and move out, hoping to utilize the degree I earned
• started another website, themiddlehours, for various other writings I’ve done over the years, themes include depression, euphoria, lust, transcendence, suicide, and a general frustration with biologically being a human
• did not find a job, after feeling pathetic, hopeless and worthless, took unpaid internship
• quit unpaid internship after a little over a month because I was mainly learning I never want to commute or be isolated behind computer the entire day, I would like to live somewhere with public transportation
• my friend Wendy from China visited for Thanksgiving, a very positive and fulfilling experience
• bought a one-way ticket to Amsterdam with the hope of not returning
• fell ill, spent Christmas with a friend in her hometown, Wageningen, enjoyed a fancy meal I thought was good but everyone else interpreted as mediocre
• listened to Everclear while writing this post, thought of the nineties, even the late mid-nineties, as a musical oasis

Those are some important events that occurred. Often I feel very down about my life, wondering why I struggle so much to get things together. I work hard to try new things and places. At times I feel embarrassed, like each new attempt I make fails. Despite the sarcastic and critical tone of this blog, I am generally a positive person. However, the past seven months have been so harsh and unrelenting that I wonder more and more if I will be able to move beyond existence. My head is so affected by being sick and the climate that I truly have become only a fraction of myself. I hope it passes soon.

While we’re here I’ll also relate something that happened last night, somehow lightening my mental load despite seeming minuscule.

Well, to start it off, last night I got hungry. Nothing major, generally this happens to me at least three times a day. Having cabin fever from bed rest and wanting to get some fresh air (currently staying in a house where all human inhabitants are sick and one of the two cats acts malicious) I went out for a sandwich. I went to a restaurant called Istanbul because it was extremely close, and open. A profound sense of anti-ambiance struck me as I walked in the door. Part of the bare cement floor was chipped away and someone had thrown down cardboard to try and obscure it. Unfortunately, the missed the target, making it look like they had a shitty floor and they just liked to randomly throw cardboard on it.

I stared at the menu and picked out something I could pronounce. In the picture, this durum thing looked like some sort of burrito so I felt good about it. The guy asked me something in Dutch, made a few hand motions and I determined he was interested in whether I wanted to stay there and eat or take it somewhere nice instead. I pointed to a table and sat down, ready to soak up the atmosphere. The decor was simply amazing. Across from me was a table with a tiny cactus placed miraculously close to the center. The pot the plant was in still had the price tag on it, which was facing toward customers. The man brought the durum to my table along with a few sauces and told me “eet smaakelek” or whatever they say in Dutch before you eat. The durum was pretty good and I felt satisfied paying 3.5€ for it. When I went to pay he said it was 4.5€. I didn’t have the energy to argue so I just smiled and gave him the money, wondering it the extra euro was for the view of the cactus.

Happy New Year!!